Swingers & Doggers

May I offer an apology to anyone in our local vicinity last night. Picasso and Genevieve came around (names changed to protect their privacy) and we got out the old paella gas burner and our largest paella pan. So far so good. But as the night wore on, the conversation inevitably turned, as it often does, to swinging.

That’s not golf swings, you understand. No, we’re talking more a kind of recreational or social activity in which partners in a committed relationship engage in sexual activity with others to add variety into an otherwise conventional sex life. Or maybe it’s just down to curiosity.

Picasso thought it would be a good idea to go along to a swinger’s party on his own, and not take Genevieve, but we felt that not having a wife to swap at a wife-swapper’s party would be a bit of a drawback.

So this kept us engaged for about 1½ hours ….. not swinging itself, you understand, just talking about it, and pondering on who out of all our friends may be swingers. We came to the conclusion that it was likely to be a couple who you’d never think, a couple who wouldn’t engage in wife-swapping on their own doorstep, but who would travel to spouse-trading parties in Surrey or places like that, so nobody would ever think they enriched their sex life in this manner.

This would all be well and good if we hadn’t got pretty plastered and started talking louder and louder, the effect on the night sky being that our voices would have carried all over the night.

By the time we’d finished the defamation of most of our friend’s characters and convinced ourselves of who specifically we’re sure are swingers, our conversation then moved onto dogging. Which of our friends are doggers? And what does it mean?

I think it’s driving your car up to Old Redding, shagging in it while all sorts of weirdos crawl out of the trees and look in at you through the windows.

We compiled a list of prospective doggers amongst our friends, but at this inebriated state of the evening were talking very loudly indeed.

All I can say in apology, if you were in the local vicinity and heard us talking about you, suggesting loudly that you are either swingers or doggers or both, is that …. Well, at least we had considered you as a thought-provoking and appealing couple sexually. But if you didn’t hear us talking about you – and you could hardly have missed our voices carrying across the

night air – then there’s not really much hope for you, is there?