Porfiry Ivanov

True story; There was this Russian bloke; Porfiry Ivanov. He was the fucking boy! Just look how cool he is.

Anyway, born in 1898, the story for the first few years of his life is pretty standard for Russia in the early part of the 20th century. A father working too many hours down the mines, the troubled years of revolution and civil war, early marriage with two children, harsh work down the mines himself and the usual concerns about feeding a young family.

But in his thirties, old Porfiry was diagnosed with an ‘incurable’ cancer which was extremely painful. So, distressing in fact that he just couldn’t stand the pain anymore and wanted to end it all. A Russian winter is famous for its sub-freezing temperatures, so Ivanov went outside bollock naked and started tipping ice water over himself, hoping it would do the trick, and he’d be meeting his maker within no time.

It was a miserable failure. Not only did he fail to die but after a few days he started to feel better. So, he upped the exposure, standing naked for longer and longer periods in the snow and tipping more and more ice water over his head. He probably scared the neighbourhood kids away, but the more ice water he tipped over his head the better he felt, until eventually the doctors could find no traces of cancer left in his body whatsoever.

After that he was well up for it and started walking around in nothing but a pair of black three-quarters in blizzards that would cause most people to drop down dead of exposure. He slept bare-chested outside in the snow for months and would go for weeks eating nothing but the food nature provided; berries and nuts and twigs and shit like that.

Not even a kebab after a Friday night on the vodka.

So, the old Russians banged him up for twelve years in various prisons and psychiatric hospitals for ‘practicing illegal healing.’ 

I guess the state owned most of the hospitals and Ivanov was gathering quite a following. In the 1940s thousands of people could be found in parks all over Russia carrying out the Ice Bucket Challenge and claiming miraculous cures for everything from dyslexia to alcohol related dementia.

People began calling him Master of Nature and he apparently cured thousands of people of such diseases as leukemia, tuberculosis, cancer, acne, ulcers and COVID-19 (just kidding about the COVID part). The blind could see and the paralysed could walk. He taught that cold water toughens the body and mind and awakens consciousness. He explained that no medicine or physical techniques will help if your whole notion of life is all fucked up. The Russian pharmaceutical industry was taking a hammering, so they banged Ivanov up in some pretty harsh prisons. But every chance he got he chucked a bucket of freezing cold water over himself.

His prison mates would call him over, “Oi Porf, over here mate.”

 “Alright Boris? Ygor? Hey Zhivago, what’s up?”

“We’ve been playing handball with Mikovich, Kikovich, Melosovich, Jannovich, Voinovich, Abramovich, Sandvich and Zombieboy.”

“Cool.”

 “Fancy a cup of water?”

“Yeah, fuck it, go on then.”

They’d hand him a tin mug of water, take a sip of their own and he’d chuck his over his head.

“Porf, for fuck’s sake, get a grip, will you?” But after 12 years the whole establishment just gave up on him completely and paroled him.  

During his time in prison, he’d developed a 12-point plan that he called Detka, which is Russian for Child. I won’t dictate all twelve points here but apart from helping each other whenever you can and wishing the best for everyone on the planet, you’ve got to give up wine and vodka, spend a couple of minutes a day walking barefoot in nature, breathing deeply as you do so, and if you can’t swim in a cold lake you’ve got to chuck ice water over yourself twice a day.  

The Master of Nature, or The Teacher as he later came to be known, taught in parables and once spent three hours underwater without taking a breath. He mastered the art of levitation and legend tells us that the American astronauts – in particular Edgar Mitchell - saw him on the Moon.

Just how cool was this fucker! Astronauts claim to have seen him walking about on the moon! And not a lot of people can say that.